I’ve been thinking about word associations quite a bit since the last post (I’m failing at the regular posting, btw). Actually, it’s more expansive than that. I suppose the thoughts have also included scent/place and object/people and scent/people–and any other combination of those–associations. At one point I thought it was annoying that each time I caught a whiff of Secret deodorant I envisioned the locker room at the first middle school I attended (complete with unhinged locker doors and those horrific locker room shower stalls), but now that I’m getting older (all of 21 years!) I look forward to these memories that are set off by the smallest, everyday items. I suppose you could say that I’m getting a little nostalgic. But hey, I love opening a fresh tube of Crest Cavity Protection toothpaste and being thrown back into brushing my teeth in the hall bathroom at my grandparents’ house or hearing the House of Rising Sun and imagining my younger cousin creeping out from under the coffee table. Without these little catalysts that are needed to kick my memories into high gear, I doubt I’d remember such little, yet important, parts of my life.

So thanks deodorant, toothpaste, songs, ice cream, rope swings, oatmeal and all of you other ordinary things–thanks for helping me remember the weird, funny, sad and best parts of my life that photographs could never capture.

It’s funny how one little thought can act as a catalyst to release many more that up until that point had been forgotten. Let me explain.

I saw an ice cream truck yesterday. Now, ice cream vans/trucks are different now than they once were (at least that’s what I choose to tell myself–perhaps in the past they were just as creepy and ghetto as they are now and I just don’t want to admit it). But anyway, going along with the theory that they were once more innocent and fun back then….I was reminded of summers back at my grandparents’ house. Anyone who knows me knows that some of my favorite memories stem from long summer days at Grandgu and Pa’s house. Where else could you wake up to chirping birds and a full breakfast with selections that would make IHOP jealous, spend the day eating freshly picked blueberries or cherries, run until exhaustion overtook you and forced you to collapse on the grass and then end the evening with homemade dinner, ice cream and I Love Lucy? Nowhere else, that’s for sure.  Anyway, though, when I saw the ice cream truck, I was instantly reminded of how it feels to be 8 years old and hear the faint tinkling that signaled a visit from the ice cream man. I remember the frantic rush to the truck to pick out the treat for the day. I remember how the ice cream tasted on those hot summer evenings. And I remember that the only worry was trying to decide between the dreamsicle and fudge bar…For a second, I remembered how nice it was to not have to worry about life, school, jobs or family problems.

I wish I could go back to those days. Oh, how I complained about washing the millions of cars that my Pa had and how I dreaded picking corn during the heat of the day…but looking back…it was perfect. And I miss it. And some days, I would give anything to get it back.

Oh, hello, blog! Haven’t seen you in a while.

Seriously, though, even with the millions of things I’ve been doing this semester, there’s no excuse for neglecting my blog so much recently. Goal for the summer: actually maintain my blog with (somewhat) interesting information. We’ll see how that goes.

Anyway, I’ll be starting an internship this summer, so I’m extremely excited and nervous. It’s funny– since I changed my major to Communication a year ago, I had practically convinced myself that I wanted to be an editor at some point in the future. I started working at the school newspaper so I could get a little experience in writing/editing and took as many courses as possible that involved news writing. Then about a month ago, I went in for an interview with a local magazine and realized that editing is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still fun to correct all those little grammatical mistakes and restructure and reword  documents to produce a flawless final product. It’s just not something I can envision myself happily doing every single day of the week.

So after this realization, I spontaneously decided to attend a workshop on working in the non-profit sector. I was interested after the first few minutes and started looking for non-profit internships/jobs that afternoon. Two days later, I had an interview with one based in Atlanta. After the interview, I knew without a doubt that I wanted the internship. I didn’t want the position at the magazine, I didn’t want to search for more internships. I wanted the non-profit one.

And now, here I am, planning to start my internship in a few weeks. I’ll be doing event planning/PR (again, not something I imaged myself doing), but I’m really excited to learn more about the organization (which provides camps for children with life challenges and disabilities). I’ve always wanted to help someone and make a difference. Perhaps interning with this organization (even though I won’t be working at the camp) will give me the boost I need to be successful in this field. Regardless, I’m excited to jump in and get some hands-on experience.

“A thing of beauty is a joy forever.” — John Keats

One of my closest friends shared this quote with me back in high school. I read it today, and I started wondering…what are the beautiful things in my life? What brings me the most joy?

Lately I’ve been so focused on the bad parts of my life. I’ve been preoccupied with thoughts that bring me down. I’ve let things I said would never bother me creep into my life and pull me in. It’s time I prioritized more than my actions. It’s time I prioritize my thoughts.

It’s time to revisit the memories of places and people that are beautiful and make me feel wonderful as well.What is beautiful to me? What brings me joy? What makes me happy?

My beautiful and happy list (to be updated later):

A bench overlooking the ocean.

A breathtaking view from the top of the mountain.

The first hot day of summer.

Feeling the cool breeze on your face during a boat ride.

The sound of a solid hit during a tennis match.

Porch swings.

A good book, a hammock, a cool shade tree, a hot summer day.

Spending the day with only family.

Joe’s warm arms wrapped around me at the end of a long day.

Family and friend cookouts.

Used book stores.

Fishing.

Road trips.

Picnics that end with naps in the grass.

And to end…I thought I should include a photograph of one of my current favorite places to be. I think everything would be okay if I could just start each morning with a glass of orange juice and a favorite book overlooking the ocean.

Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.  ~Buddha
I like the idea of this.  I like the idea of giving myself over completely to pursue that one area for which I am the most passionate.  Maybe I just like the use of the word “give.”  I think I am the happiest when I am doing some small act of kindness for others…even if that makes me seem like I give in too easily.  I like to help; I like being needed; I want to devote myself to this.

And other thoughts…I wish the “L” word wasn’t thrown around quite as easily and rapidly.  I know I’m guilty of rushing and saying the both highly anticipated and sometimes dreaded word at all the wrong times.  I feel like I’ve cheated myself out of something beautiful and exquisite–something completely one-of-a-kind.  Now that I’m to the point where I want to say it fully and wholeheartedly, I feel like I’m being unfair to say the same three little words to the person who deserves them the most when I’ve wasted so much breath saying them falsely to others.

And as for how I feel nowadays…I’m happy–completely and fully happy, and I love it.

Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.  ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

Do you remember running through sprinklers when you were little? I think that’s one of my most missed memories from my childhood.  I loved the feeling of the freezing cold water running down my shivering little body right after I braved the sprinkler for the first time on a bright summer morning.  I loved how the grass would stick to my feet and remain there for the rest of the day.  I think I need to invest in a sprinkler. : )

It’s been raining a ton lately, which has made me extremely happy.  While most people loathe rain during the summer, I crave the rainy days when I can just sit out on the porch and catch up on my reading.  I even love the days when I get caught in a rainstorm without an umbrella and end up getting soaked.  Hot showers are a million times better after you’ve been completely drenched.

I’ve been incredibly happy these past few days, and it’s a feeling I want to keep experiencing every single day.  I’m excited about the fall, I’m excited about school, and I’m just excited about my life in general.  More often than not this summer I’ve been happy, and I love it and want to bathe in this sunny happiness for the rest of my life.

“Think about your past, present, and future. Realize how much you have changed and how far you have come from the past. Think about what kind of person you want to be and also what kind of person you want others to see you as and work towards that.” –KB

These were the recent words of a friend of mine from high school.  He and I were talking about my life in general, and I realized that there is much about me that I don’t know yet need to know before I can progress any further with my life.  I realized that I have actually thought about the person I am and how different that is from the person I present to those around me.  I am not even sure who I am, which leads to problems when I try to portray myself a certain way.  I’m not even sure if what I’m trying to say makes sense.   I suppose today has been rather rough for me, and hearing this made me realize just how much I’m hurting myself by not getting to know who I am and then learning how to be a better person based on what I discover about myself. 

Todays goal: learn something new about myself. 

I think the hardest part of getting to myself revolves thinking about and learning from my past experiences.  Months ago I wrote this: I’m not anywhere near being a perfect individual. No one is. When I was young and “just one day old” as my pa used to say, I was the closest to being perfect as I will ever be. Now, thousands of mistakes and hundreds of regrets later, I am still continuing the trend and following the wrong path more often than right and making mistakes at an alarmingly fast rate. I know I will wake up tomorrow and add even more regrets to my already ridiculously long list. But, somehow, I know that’s okay. I’ve learned a lot from mistakes in my life, and I’m still learning. Yes, I will continue to be hurt and hurt others accidentally, but I’ve learned that’s an inevitability of the human race, just as our mistakes and regrets are unavoidable and necessary for the expansion of our knowledge and the increase in our maturity levels. I know I’ll be told several more times to “live life with no regrets,” and I will just sigh and ignore the advice…because regrets are and always will be a main part of my life, and that’s perfectly okay with me.

I disagree with what I wrote, oddly enough.  I think at the time I was trying to take a backseat to owning up to comments I made and actions I directed at other people.  I fell into the habit of saying, “It’s okay that I messed up; there’s always tomorrow!”  While that is true, I feel bad that I’ve used that as a way to continue doing and saying horrible things, so that’s something I’d like to improve in the future.  I refused to learn from what I did wrong…because I didn’t want to admit that I had done something wrong in the first place.

As far as the future goes, 

I like to think I know where I’m going with my life.  Most days, I do know without a doubt what I want to do in the future; I know what sort of job I want to have and how I want to present myself to other people.  I also know where I’ve been, and I recognize and am continuously aware of the mistakes I have made and the accomplishments I have achieved that have helped create the person I am today.  So if I am aware of my past and fairly confident in my future, why am I having such a hard time in the present?

I think it’s the “getting there” that scares me the most.  Yes, I know exactly where I want to be in four or five years.  I would like to be comfortably settled with a steady job and have a lovely husband and (hopefully) be starting a family.  Do I know without a doubt that will happen? Not at all.  But at least I have those goals set for myself.  However, I don’t know exactly how I’m going to achieve these goals, which terrifies me so much more than I try to let people know.  I am not guaranteed an internship in the field of my choice doing something I love, I am not guaranteed a job after I graduate with my degree, I’m not guaranteed to find a man that I love and loves me equally in return, I’m not guaranteed to have children.  Nothing is certain in life, and the uncertainty is more frightening now than I ever realized.   I think that’s one reason why I cling to tradition and turn my back on change in regards to my personal life and the way I approach certain areas of my life.  Even if a habit of mine is terrible and counterproductive to my long-term goals, I still might keep it up, just because the outcome, which is tried and true, will always remain the same, which is somewhat reassuring (albeit depressing and horrible as well).  I keep saying I need to learn how to step out of my comfort zone, yet when the chance to do so presents itself, I shudder, think “maybe next time,” and shut out the opportunity, which I hate about myself. 

I think I’m getting somewhat better though.  I stepped way out of my comfort zone and applied for a position with the school newspaper.  That was a huge step for me, and hopefully it will turn out will and just give me even more confidence to continue stepping over closely-set boundaries that I created years ago that need to be expanded or obliterated in order for me progress even further.

As far as the type of person I want to be (and appear to be to others as well), I would like to return completely to the passionate and caring young woman I was a couple of years ago.  I’ve always been told that I am too nice and too generous for my own good, so I worked very hard to stand up to others and take up for myself. But I’m not very happy doing that. I like being known as the “nice girl.” I love taking care of others, even if it means putting myself last.  I want to revert back to that girl, regardless of what others say. An ultimate goal of mine is make a difference in just once single life before I die, and I think the way to go about that will be through kindness. : )

And some ending words of wisdom from a Mr. Bob Moawad

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own.  No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours — it is an amazing journey — and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”

And thank you to anyone who read all of this. : )

I think it’s frustrating how important money is to almost everyone.  I’m no different, so I can’t be too judgemental here, but it’s rather depressing to think about just how limited our perceptions and goals can become because of the simple issue of how much money we have, will make, or need. 

I think I’ve accepted the fact that with my future career, I won’t make millions, I won’t live in a mansion, and I won’t drive the latest or greatest cars.  And to be honest, that’s perfectly okay with me.  I don’t want to live in absolute wealth.  Where’s the fun in living if every little thing is readily available whenever you desire it? I’m not going to switch my career goals in life just to make more money.  I will have enough to provide for my family, and that is more than I could ask for. 

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I’m more than a little nervous about fall semester, but at the same time, I’m very excited to begin my new classes. I’ll be taking 18 hours (News Reporting & Writing, Contemporary Issues in Mass Media, Persuasion Methods & Strategies, Visual Communication, Organizational Publications, and Political Science) and working four days a week with two different positions…and hopefully writing for The Sentinel as well.  So I’m extremely stressed and nervous about it all, but I’m ready to step up to the challenges that I will face in the fall and prove to myself that I CAN do it, and I can do it well. : )

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In other news, I’m about to finish summer classes, pack up all the junk I’ve managed to accumulate over the past 11 months, and move back home unti fall semester.  I am so, so excited.  It’s been a long summer full of ups and downs, and I’m ready to just forget it all and curl up in my own bed with a book…and just be there by myself for hours.  I’m ready to spend relaxing days at the lake and go on shopping trips with my mom. I’m ready to eat my daddy’s homemade biscuits and play competitive games of Rummy and Monopoly with my sister and dad after dinner.  I’m just ready to be home and experience everything that I love and have missed. I can’t wait.

Just some ideas I’ve been tossing around lately…

I think it’s a pity how technology is changing the way American youth are experiencing their childhood.  I’m tired of seeing children carrying around iPhones and PSPs instead of books or drawing pads.  I’m irritated at the number of children who stay indoors to play video games rather than spend the day outside in the beautiful sunshine.  Most of all, though, I’m upset at the parents who let these things happen…the parents who insist on providing their children with the latest and supposedly greatest technology.  A classmate in my communication class posed an interesting question the other day.  With all of the new advancements in technology and the many programs we have now developed to complete the most mundane of tasks for us, are we actually dumbing ourselves down rather than improving our overall quality of knowledge?  I think I would have to answer a bold yes to this question.  The internet has provided us with a wealth of information that is literally at our very fingertips.  With a single keystroke or mouse click we can transport ourselves to websites with information ranging from the latest baseball statistics to information on what caused the Chernobyl explosion. Yes, the magnitude of information we can find is intense, but are we still gaining the same depth of information that we would absorb several years ago? I highly doubt it. For one, by having such a vast amount of information within such close reach, we’re feeding our growing tendency to be impatient.  Why continue reading an article when we can find the facts within the first few sentences, or, better yet, through the synopsis at the top of the page.  This also cuts down on the wealth of information that was obtained simply by completing research in a library using the old-fashioned methodology of browsing through books.  Think of all the background and contextual information and you could gain about a topic if you had to read through related articles and materials to find the information.  I understand that the internet is a powerful and helpful research too, don’t get me wrong–I love google just as much as anyone else, I just think the focus in schools shouldn’t necessarily be shifted from encyclopedias and books to the internet.  By allowing ourselves the convenience of doing every single task online, we’re encouraging laziness and breeding passivity.  What happened to playing outside? What happened to mailing letters to those we love? What happened to spending one day with a book rather than a flat-screen monitor?

What happened to us?

I’ve been in a rush, rush, rush mood for the past few years.  I realized this not long ago when I was asked what I like to do in my free time–I struggled with answering the question until I suddenly knew that I had subconsciously been avoiding this lovely “free time” in exchange for more studying or more cleaning or just impatient waiting of events long in the future.  I’ve been letting little moments slip by me due to my habit of labeling days as uneventful and unimportant and allowing myself to slide through whole weeks without really enjoying a single minute.  What happened to all of my spring semester? I think I remember maybe 3 or 4 truly eventful days–not because the others weren’t equally as wonderful, but because I spent all the days in between anxiously awaiting those few days that I had assumed would be the best of all.  Simply put, I’ve been selling myself short.
A couple of weeks ago I was introduced to someone who has made each and every day of my life spectacular just by demonstrating how every day has some aspect that is worth waking up for…even if just one minute out of every 24 hours is beautiful and the rest of painstakingly long and dreadful.  That one minute makes the rest bearable. The best day of my life may be just around the corner, yes, but that doesn’t mean the days leading up to that moment will be any less worthwhile.  I don’t know how to explain it exactly, but this idea has completely transformed the attitude I have toward each day after I wake up in the morning.  I’m so excited to begin the day, I’m so excited to experience every moment that, until now, I’ve been missing.

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A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone.
His father came along just then.
Noting the boy’s failure, he asked, “Are you using all your strength?”

“Yes, I am,” the little boy said impatiently.

“No, you are not,” the father answered. “I am right here just waiting, and you haven’t asked me to help you.” — source unknown

This little boy is me, and the father is the rest of the world.   I’m too stubborn, I’m too full of pride, I’m too much of a do-it-yourselfer, but mainly I’m just too scared to let someone close enough to help me. I’m too frightened to entrust all of my doubts, set-backs, faults, and failures in someone else, which is what I must do to accept help and advice.  I’m scared of admitting that I can’t do it all myself.

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On a much more cheerful note, I’ve set a goal for myself to graduate next December, which means my college career is more than halfway over (frightening).  I’m excited, though.  I’m ready to begin a new chapter of my life. For once, I’m ready and willing to accept any and all change that may come my way.  I have more confidence than I’ve had in years, and I actually really and truly believe in myself and my abilities for once.

I can do this–you will help me, and I will let you.